The big " I'll start on Monday" statement

Here we are another Monday...another MONDAY that I am saying that I am going to start eating right and working out. For 6 years I have battled my weight. Up until this past April its just been a weight battle, yet now bc of it "just" being a weight issue I now have health issues. But you know...even before the health issues were there...the spiritual issues were there. I know I have many friends who totally disagree with me on this subject and I get it. God may not speak to them about this issue the way he deals with me about. It may not even be the same thing for other men and women as it is for me. How can your weight and God even go together some say. For me, they go hand in hand big time. Food is my drug. My alcohol. My comforter. My celebration. My sadness. I am an emotional eater and I tend to run to food for everything when I need to turn to God. Therefore, making God and food...a big issue in my own life. I hear people say God doesn't care about your outward appearance and I feel that statement is true to a certain extent. I don't think God cares about the clothes or style we wear. I don't think he cares about necessarily being "overweight" or in shape. But when I stop and ask myself what typically involves me getting to the point of being overweight...over-eating goes with lack of self-control, which we are called to have(Proverbs 25:28, Galations 5:22-23, 2 Peter 1:5-7, 1 Corinthians 9:27, 2 Timothy 1:7). He tells me to come to HIM when I am anxious, weary, or afraid, yet I run to food(Psalm 5:1-3, Phillipians 4:6-7, Proverbs 3:5-6, Pslam 9:9, Psalm 62:8, Isaiah 26:4, Psalm 46:1). He tells me to take care of my body, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. That simple.  How is eating unhealthy to the point I am overweight and my energy level is zip zap nothing taking care of my body? It isn't AT ALL if I am going to be REALLY honest with myself. When I eat unhealthy, it not only affects me outwardly but I have less energy and I am WAY more emotional and hormonal. If I don't have energy like I do when I am eating healthy and working out how I am supposed to not only take care of my husband, kids, our house, but how am I supposed to help build His Kingdom here on earth when I am always tired and worn. FOR ME...being overweight-not exercising-eating unhealthy....distances me from God. I have conviction bc of how much I turn to food instead of running to God. Its a battle. Its MY battle and I am not even embarrassed to talk about it bc EVERYONE has their own battle they are fighting so I hope the skinny healthy fit person next to me isn't judging me or laughing at me bc they don't struggle with it. Everyone has their secrets and their struggles whether they talk about them or not. I could let my health issues be an excuse but I don't want that. Heck yes I want to wear a size 6 jean again but that isn't what my MAIN goal is. I would be lying if I said it isn't a goal. So here we are on yet another Monday. I am starting a fitness online competition thingy today with some friends of my sisters in Washington. Sure, I want to win it haha but really its just for the accountability. I am starting crossfit today and shooting for 6 days a weeks. I would LOVE to start running again but I need to try to be realistic with my time. We are going back vegan starting TODAY. Speaking of, Seth and I agreed on this yet last night he came home with an INSANE bag of candy for the kids. He totally missed the whole point of us going back vegan haha. ON TOP of the WEIGHT issues....I have health issues bc of my weight issues and also the dumb genetics factor. The only chance I have to save my baby making parts is by LOSING WEIGHT. I don't want to be on a diabetic medicine forever. I don't want to battle with depression. I definitely don't want the "spare tire" that PCOS causes women to have. PCOS causes all of that and I know that losing weight is my ONLY chance of getting rid of the PCOS and not being insulin resistant anymore. I don't want to end up having to have a full hysterectomy knowing I could of tried to prevent it by losing weight yet I didn't.  I don't want to make excuses anymore! SO hopefully by me writing about this new(for the 10th time) journey it will help me. I know I will have bad days. I know I will probably have days where my kids are driving me insane and I am crying and shove 6 oreos(which are vegan) in my mouth at once, but I know I need Jesus in this journey. Bc I straight up suck on my own. He is the key to me losing weight bc food is my weakness. I know some people don't even care what I write but I enjoy it and by the end I am like aahhhh I needed that! So here we go...to this new Monday journey. I would post my starting weight but I ain't THAT comfortable...YET lol HAPPY MONDAY

Praying everyone has a blessed week!!!

Much love,
Ash

A successful new year.....

        God is so good! I must start out by saying that great statement. This morning as I woke up at 5:30 my original plan was to just write a quick entry to all teachers, homeschool mommas and daddies, and parents as today is a new start and a new school year for most. As I got my coffee ready I just felt a tug at my heart to read and spend some time with Jesus first. As usual He led me to some wonderful scripture that totally applies to my life and I am sure will apply to many others. Its a new year and with a new year normally comes new goals. I know for me the things I have been praying for this year are actually VERY similar to my goals when I was in middle school and high school. Organization, invest more of me into my studies(now my children studies), not lose the motivation and drive 2 weeks in. Well year after year when I was in school I would get my binder all perfectly organized, be so pumped for a new year....always said I am going to do better than last. Yuuuppppp, within 3-4 weeks my crazy disorganized self resurfaced, I didn't care too much about school, it was always so hard for me to focus. I was the day dreamer or talker for sure in class. So for me school was a struggle. Now as an adult I still struggle with some of those same things. Organization is my weak spot. I started last year off so perfectly neat and everything in its place and of course within a month there were papers everywhere, 1 month in my motivation just wasn't what it was and the school year was a tough one. I have my own goals for my children and I this year. I know all of my homeschool mommas out there have their goals. I know teachers have their list of goals they want to accomplish before the school year comes to end. I think we all want to have a "successful" school year. Which leads me to where God lead me today in my sweet Jesus time.

   "In High eyes, true success begins internally-the first step is a relationship with Jesus, whereby you have trusted him as Savior and are following him obediently. His goal for you is ongoing growth in Christlike character and spiritual maturity, but that's not all. He also has some work for you to accomplish here on earth(Ephesians 2:10- "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.") words of Dr. Charles Stanley

   I believe in order to have a TRULY successful year we have to work on being successful internally first. I also read Joshua 1:1-9 this morning. I highly encourage you to take a minute to read it, but I want to share what I got out of it. Of course, everyone gets something different out of a passage so what God spoke to me about this may not be what you get out of it.

   ~God gave Joshua a huge responsibility to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land. He also provided everything Joshua would need for success. What does this mean to me? God has given me a huge responsibility by calling me to not only be a parent and raise my children in Christ, but to teach my children their studies. So if he calls me to do this I can trust that he will provide everything I need.

~God assured Joshua that no one would be able to stand against him. So in the same way God will enable ME to achieve His goals for my life and no MAN or Satan will be able to stop His purposes.

I must remember to be strong and courageous IN HIS POWER. Not my own. I know there are going to be days I want to throw my hands up, days I will cry bc my kids are driving me INSANE, and days where it feels like I am just not the best teacher for them. There will be all of those obstacles that will challenge my obedience to this calling. I must remember to rely on His faith. I have to. I have to. I have to. No matter how hard and impossible it seems I pray these words of my own engrain so deep in my heart that on those bad days the Holy Spirit reminds me of TRUTH.

   ~Joshua's success depended upon his obedience to God's word. Ding ding ding!!! This is the key for me. I can NOT let laziness come between me and Jesus. I have to make time everyday for Him. I have to let His Word shape my thoughts, words, and actions.

    I believe success comes from THAT goodness right there. My original intent was to just let everyone know I have been in prayer and continue to pray for this new school year. I pray for parents who send their kids to a teacher who most of them barely know and how hard that can be on parents sometimes. I pray for teachers who work in a school system where God is being taken out little by little, but many teachers still find ways to show Gods love to those precious souls. I can not imagine what it is like to school someone else's children. I firmly believe that it is a true blessing and calling to be a teacher and take in 20+ students and not only educate them but love them and care for them. I pray for all my homeschooling mommas....ohhhh deep breath and take it all in :-) I am thankful we will have the support of others. I am praying for all of you. There will be great amazing days as our children learn the many things we teach them and their will be bad days where we are just hormonal and snappy and there they are....our babies are the ones who get to hear our craziness come out. Well maybe I am the only one that happens to???!!! I pray over the public school system and the homeschool families! Its a new year and with many goals set, I pray that we remember where true success comes from! I pray we keep Jesus first!!! I hope EVERYONE has a great first week of a brand new school year!

Much love,

the-warmmessofajesuslovinggirl

R.E.L.A.X.

As I sit here...for the last 10 hours...working on school, trying to take care of hungry kids in the mix;-), and then after they are in bed sit here and worship to music that is crazy loud I try to tell myself to RELAX. Seth tells me to RELAX often. It is 1:45 am and the current song that is on is a song I actually have on repeat bc it just "THAT GOOD"(Will Ferrell's voice haha)  but it is a song right next to Great I am that I just love!


"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior.

I will call upon your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest your embrace
I am yours, and you are mine"




Oceans-Hillsong United


I want to relax. Its 1:45 and my radio is up so loud I don't know how much kids are not awake(since we live in a 950 square foot home) but when it's this loud and those lyrics are in my head and loud in my ears I find that sense of relaxation. I have worked for hours preparing for this school year. I am not where I want to be....in my preparation for school, my house being organized, my weight, my struggles with my flesh, or even my walk with Christ. But here I am. I can not pray for him to lead me where my trust is without borders and for my faith to be made stronger if I don't just take this moment and this exact place I am in my life and follow him. Trust Him. Lean on Him.So much is on my mind....now at 2:04 AM but I am just leaving it at that for now. I just want to keep my eyes above the waves and LET my soul rest in His embrace. After all he is my daddy. I just need to RELAX. Breathe. Life will always be crazy, thankfully He will ALWAYS be there in my craziness!!!


The two songs that grabbed at my heart tonight

Oceans--
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw

Great I am

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_VR-zwp2KA

And then if you want a little something to rock out to...Skillet is always amazing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3KCKhNc5mI

the warm mess(although I feel like HOT mess at time)of a Jesus loving girl

Ash

WITHOUT ME....

This school year is right around the corner....like RIGHT THERE! and I have so much lesson planning to do but before I can even do that I have so much reading to do. Yesterday when I sat for about an hour looking over our new homeschool curriculum I had a few tears. I felt so overwhelmed and like I am going to fail at this. I had a few moments of regretting I started this. I even woke up this morning with school being my VERY FIRST thought! Luckily I set my alarm for 5 so I could(hopefully) have some good Jesus time before my day started bc I know this road isn't something I can do alone. Plus its been a VERY long time since I have woke up this early to spend some time with Him. This past week I had my 3rd meeting for classical conversations(our new homeschool group) so it was the 3rd time in 3 weeks I have had a little drive, alone in the car with no kids screaming and able to have some good prayer time. I noticed every time I left a cc event I just had this peace and joy in my heart that I have desperately missed in my life. This week was our parent orientation for CC and I after dropped Seth off at his car I had a little drive to get the kids...alone. I was praying, worshipping through music, and enjoying the silence. I began to think back on last year and our year of schooling. I remember how excited I was at the beginning of last year but how the excitement quickly faded and to be honest the year was just so hard. There were days I wanted to just give up. Send them to school. Days I cried bc I was so alone. I just drove in silence praying and with all this on my mind I just asked why last year was so hard??? WHAT HAPPENED??? I don't want that again. I don't want to just survive another school year. I want the joy and passion for homeschool to always be there. As clear as could be God spoke to me. It was almost audible, a whisper...or a yell lol to my heart that was so very clear say "How can you expect to succeed at something I called you to do, without me!!!!" how extremely powerful and so awakening. Last year had so many bumps in the road for us but I knew from the beginning it was going to be hard. I just had no idea how hard honestly. And if I am going to be honest I did most of it on my own. I was depending on myself way too much. Not even just then but now too. Whether its guilt from sin, laziness, busyness, or just don't want to, I have pushed God aside for far too long. So when I ask why was last year and the recent months so hard on me, well hello like He said....how can I expect to do anything WITHOUT HIM! I sit here unsure of what to write next....bc this is just what is so heavy on my heart.


 I feel like so many of us get so caught up in life we go on auto setting and just do life. This morning before I even opened up my bible I just had a little prayer. Mainly about school and how I just felt very overwhelmed and doubted myself big time bc of my lack of knowledge on this program. I started with Jesus Calling and this is the first thing I read....

And yes, instantly my anxiety faded. That was just the beginning. But I cant get over how faithful He is to be there for me every time I come to Him. It makes me sad that I have been on auto pilot for so long and just doing life I don't include Him. I don't let Him lead me. I just drag him along and when I need Him I go to Him. I DO NOT WANT THAT! Yet I do it anyways.

"This God-his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him." Psalm 19:30

"But-"When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, he saved us, not because of the righteous things we have done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and a new life through the Holy Spirit." Titus 3:4

"They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:23

Amen to those!!! Those are a few that grabbed at my heart and spoke to me this morning. I am thankful I can wake up and spend time with my God. I am so thankful for his faithfulness to me when I don't deserve it. I am thankful for the newness he brings to me. The freshness I feel deep in my soul. Nope, sadly this doesn't take away all the crazy long list of stuff I have to get done in just a short two weeks. But the peace I have this morning from God himself, helps me and assures me that WITH HIM....I can do this! I am sure there will be days I naturally slip into auto pilot and just do life but I pray those days are not consistent like they have been. I pray for my fellow moms who are taking this journey with me and I pray over our school year ahead of us. I pray that through it all God's glory shines through us. I am grateful for the many blessings in my life that I don't deserve but my God is just that loving and gracious to me. To all of us! Now for my day to begin.....until next time my friends!

the warmmessofajesuslovinggirl Ashleigh

starting fresh....

So here I am...back again. Blogging has been on my mind so much the last 8 months to a year. Laziness is the reason I haven't. But its like God constantly brings it back to me and finally at 12 am on a night I cant sleep, I am sitting here searching for other blogs by Christian homeschool moms for advice, lessons, encouragement or basically anything to help me and the idea for me to start again creeps into my mind again. For about 30 minutes I sat here just avoiding it. Finally, I am just like okay whatever lets do this! I know without a doubt blogging, or what I think more of as journaling and just getting all my thoughts out there....helps me SO much. I remember that vividly about my past blogging. The accountability, encouragement, and blessings I received from blogging was great, and for 2 years I have questioned why I even stopped. I debated on keeping all my post from the past but I just want to start fresh. Who doesn't like starting fresh? I am sitting here thinking should I just write whatever I am thinking and it turn into a book or just keep it short for right now. I don't plan to even share this with my social media friends just yet. I just want to get started and see how it feels and all. For now I will just give a run down as short as possible of my life at this point. We are about to start our second year of homeschool. Our first year of homeschool was without a doubt a rollercoaster ride of emotions. We had our highs and we had our lows. We started our first year off great and then its just like Satan all out attacked from every angle possible. All of my struggles and weaknesses hit me at once. I gained 50 lbs within 4 months and that just was terrible. I battled depression. There were so many days I felt alone in my journey of homeschooling yet I knew in my heart I was doing what God called me to do so there was no turning back. We had a great moments and huge blessings too! Seth finally after 4 years of trying to find a job as a process operator was finally hired on with a great company!! Our marriage and relationship just seems to be getting better and better with each day. He has been my biggest support and I am so thankful for how much he loves me. Our marriage isn't perfect and we have our struggles in different areas  but our marriage is solid, and I can only thank God for that. There are days we both screw up royally but its so great knowing I can move past it bc of forgiveness and grace. That forgiveness and grace that I don't deserve at all, but its freely given to me. I was recently diagnosed with PCOS, insulin resistance, and endometrial hyperplasia which are all related to each other and the reasoning behind infertility, weight gain, depression, feeling like I am dying once a month when that stupid lady visits me haha(big thanks to Eve for that;-)) lets just be honest...sometimes being a woman just absolutely without a doubt sucks!!!!!!!!!! Sorry there is just no nicer way to say it. All of that is basically the main thing I have been dealing with lately...without making this any longer I am basically trying to lose weight(which is so very hard) to naturally cure the PCOS and insulin resistance. If I don't lose weight or even if I do and my symptoms progress I will eventually be forced to have a full hysterectomy and God knows how badly I don't want that. So prayers for that would be greatly appreciated. I so want another baby, but if I am being honest my heart yearns for a little Seth Jr! I know that God has it all under control, and yes there are days that I want to control it and I want what I want when I want it...but I HAVE to trust Him. Even when it feels impossible. So here I am going into my second year of homeschooling dealing with that, BUT this year will be totally different. God put some wonderful people in our life through Seth's job that led us to a homeschool co-op type group. We will meet and school once a week together and then 4 days at home. All the kids will be learning the same thing so we will have the support and fellowship with others all year long. On those days where I want and DO just cry bc I am tired, worn, or so irritated I will have other moms to share in those feelings and help lift me up and lift each other up. But even more than needing community on those hard days, I am so excited that we will have each other on the great days. Those days when you see that after days or weeks of teaching something...your child "gets it". Rejoicing with eachother that we are getting to spend each and everyday not only educating our children but doing life with them!!! So many people think homeschooling is easy. Think we lay around all day and just throw school in when we aren't busy playing. haha ummm no, its the hardest job I have ever done. I get criticized for homeschooling and though I may act strong, those comments stink and can be so discouraging! But I know in my heart I have to trust God. I have to trust that if he called me to do this....He will not only be there with me every step of the way but he will bless me for my obedience and even more my children will be blessed.  And also, I cant wait for the day people see my thriving, bold, strong, smart, loving, Jesus loving children and I can say...."and you said I couldn't do it" ;-) I figure blogging will be good for me emotionally but also I know I will so enjoy sharing my life and my precious children. For now I think I am done. I pray I continue this because I enjoy it so much. I pray that God uses me to help positively impact someone. I pray for boldness. I pray for the courage to be REAL and GENUINE, even when its deep dark and ugly. Even when I know people will read it and gossip or read it and roll their eyes. I just want to be me. The warm mess of a Jesus loving girl that I am....going through this journey called life.

"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing."                             1 Thessalonians 5:11







Here is a little glimpse of my beautiful yet crazy life!