WITHOUT ME....

This school year is right around the corner....like RIGHT THERE! and I have so much lesson planning to do but before I can even do that I have so much reading to do. Yesterday when I sat for about an hour looking over our new homeschool curriculum I had a few tears. I felt so overwhelmed and like I am going to fail at this. I had a few moments of regretting I started this. I even woke up this morning with school being my VERY FIRST thought! Luckily I set my alarm for 5 so I could(hopefully) have some good Jesus time before my day started bc I know this road isn't something I can do alone. Plus its been a VERY long time since I have woke up this early to spend some time with Him. This past week I had my 3rd meeting for classical conversations(our new homeschool group) so it was the 3rd time in 3 weeks I have had a little drive, alone in the car with no kids screaming and able to have some good prayer time. I noticed every time I left a cc event I just had this peace and joy in my heart that I have desperately missed in my life. This week was our parent orientation for CC and I after dropped Seth off at his car I had a little drive to get the kids...alone. I was praying, worshipping through music, and enjoying the silence. I began to think back on last year and our year of schooling. I remember how excited I was at the beginning of last year but how the excitement quickly faded and to be honest the year was just so hard. There were days I wanted to just give up. Send them to school. Days I cried bc I was so alone. I just drove in silence praying and with all this on my mind I just asked why last year was so hard??? WHAT HAPPENED??? I don't want that again. I don't want to just survive another school year. I want the joy and passion for homeschool to always be there. As clear as could be God spoke to me. It was almost audible, a whisper...or a yell lol to my heart that was so very clear say "How can you expect to succeed at something I called you to do, without me!!!!" how extremely powerful and so awakening. Last year had so many bumps in the road for us but I knew from the beginning it was going to be hard. I just had no idea how hard honestly. And if I am going to be honest I did most of it on my own. I was depending on myself way too much. Not even just then but now too. Whether its guilt from sin, laziness, busyness, or just don't want to, I have pushed God aside for far too long. So when I ask why was last year and the recent months so hard on me, well hello like He said....how can I expect to do anything WITHOUT HIM! I sit here unsure of what to write next....bc this is just what is so heavy on my heart.


 I feel like so many of us get so caught up in life we go on auto setting and just do life. This morning before I even opened up my bible I just had a little prayer. Mainly about school and how I just felt very overwhelmed and doubted myself big time bc of my lack of knowledge on this program. I started with Jesus Calling and this is the first thing I read....

And yes, instantly my anxiety faded. That was just the beginning. But I cant get over how faithful He is to be there for me every time I come to Him. It makes me sad that I have been on auto pilot for so long and just doing life I don't include Him. I don't let Him lead me. I just drag him along and when I need Him I go to Him. I DO NOT WANT THAT! Yet I do it anyways.

"This God-his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him." Psalm 19:30

"But-"When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, he saved us, not because of the righteous things we have done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and a new life through the Holy Spirit." Titus 3:4

"They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:23

Amen to those!!! Those are a few that grabbed at my heart and spoke to me this morning. I am thankful I can wake up and spend time with my God. I am so thankful for his faithfulness to me when I don't deserve it. I am thankful for the newness he brings to me. The freshness I feel deep in my soul. Nope, sadly this doesn't take away all the crazy long list of stuff I have to get done in just a short two weeks. But the peace I have this morning from God himself, helps me and assures me that WITH HIM....I can do this! I am sure there will be days I naturally slip into auto pilot and just do life but I pray those days are not consistent like they have been. I pray for my fellow moms who are taking this journey with me and I pray over our school year ahead of us. I pray that through it all God's glory shines through us. I am grateful for the many blessings in my life that I don't deserve but my God is just that loving and gracious to me. To all of us! Now for my day to begin.....until next time my friends!

the warmmessofajesuslovinggirl Ashleigh